I’ve been doing a bit of house cleaning lately, literally and figuratively. In literal terms, I’ve made a conscious decision to go through the things I have around the house and get rid of the clutter and useless junk. We don’t always realize what we have, the things we tend to hold on. If you started cleaning out your attic, or closet, that box underneath your bed, or that trunk in the back room hidden in a corner under all sorts of junk, what would you find? Memories! Some things we hang on to sort of by default, because we never got around to throwing it out. Other things we hang on to with intent and the moment we see it again, it’s like hitting rewind on a favorite song to live that memory again.
Before I moved from New York several years ago I was living with my parents and much of what I had remained with them. Partly because I couldn’t bring it with me to a college dorm, but also for the comfort in knowing that if anything happened I still had a place to call home. A few years after my parents moved from New York as well, and my personal effects were packed, labeled (for me), and shipped in my absence. I always loved the fact that my parents respected our privacy as kids, as long as we understood that there was no real expectation of privacy. It was a courtesy not a right! As long as we treated it as such then we had as much privacy as we needed. So I wasn’t worried about someone else packing my things. Once I got them though and saw everything I had, I realized that I was maybe comfortable because I also hadn’t recalled exactly what I left behind 
. Like a lot of the memories hidden around the house now, I simply tucked those items away in a corner of my home and my mind.
I came across one of those memories recently. A song! It’s an imitation really, and not in a polemical sense so I hesitate to call it a parody, though that is what it is. I had written this song about one of my ex-girlfriends. Notice I said about, not for. As I read it I was immediately transported to the memory of that night when I put those words to paper for the first time and how it came to be. As if I were sitting in a theatre watching that instance of my life play out on the big screen. And the story, the song, it’s not about her, it never was. It was about life and disappointment, about the tragedy of realizing that you’ve been wrong or wronged and the need to let go and move one. It was about life lessons, the disappointments and the tragedy of being invested in circumstances that aren’t right for us. And it was about my love for writing… and for music… things I’ve rediscovered recently and are exploring in part through this blog.
I remember the night I wrote those words. I sat in my room listening to the radio, LiteFM WLTW in NYC. I had a blank cassette in my radio like I always did in case I heard something on the radio I wanted to record for later. This is just how we did it back then before the days of CDs. I remember it was really late at night, or very early the next morning depending on your point of view, and the lights were off and the music was playing just loud enough to drown out the noise of cars occasionally going by on the street outside my window but not so loud as to disturb anyone else’s sleep. I heard the start of Lionel Richie’s Still, a song I really love and almost as a reflex reaching over in the darkness with ninja-like precision I hit the record and play buttons at once. Excellent! Caught it before the singing started… feeling pretty good about that. Now I just had to listen. So I closed my eyes and found myself singing along for a bit because, well, with some songs you just can’t help yourself. I knew the lyrics well, and I sang along as softly as I could…
Lady, morning’s just a moment away
And I’m without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you never needed me
I wonder if you need me now
So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn’t say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go? Where’d we go?
We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
But then most of all, I do love you
Still
We played the games that people play
We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
’Cause I needed you so desperately
We were too blind to see
But then most of all, I do love you
Still
Now, these are some of the best lyrics ever written for any song if you ask me, but as I sang I started thinking about my most recent breakup still fresh in my mind from a few days before. I found myself thinking this song is perfect, it just isn’t perfect for what I’m going through right now. The lyrics, they give her way too much credit, and they give the impression that neither one wants to walk away. But I for one was sure it was time to move on. So as soon as the song was done recording, I stopped the tape, turned on the light, and grabbed my notebook to write my own version of this classic, a version that would more reflect of how break-ups often go in real life, where one hurts more than the other dude to disappointment and distrust. The fucked and the fucker if you will! And I was the fucked so I would write the lyrics from that point of view. A little more than an hour later, this is what I came up with…
Lately, I find myself all alone
Spending many nights at home
Since you left me
It’s been so hard to carry on
Regrets, how you did me wrong
You played your games right from the start
And in the end you broke my heart
I never thought that this could be
You leaving me
I hoped that we could work things out
But you don’t know what love’s about
So I just let you go, though I love you
Still
So many years spent loving you
So many hard times we pulled through
I can’t believe that this could be
You leaving me
And I’ve never been so hurt before
Now you’re not mine anymore
So I just let you go, though I love you
Still
I wrote this such a long time ago, and never with the intent to share it with anyone else, but here it is. Love it or leave it I don’t care. I didn’t write it for you, I wrote it for me, and it was exactly what I needed that night. In some ways, it’s also what I needed right now. No, I’m not going through a breakup. So many things are changing for me right now, changes that are needed as I got too comfortable for too with the mere appearance of a happy life. For me this was reminder that disappointments are simply a fact of life. You’re only fucked if you let that define you and wallow in self pity and regret rather than accept, learn from it and then move on to the next chapter.
So I just let go…
-Konscious Vybz
