Looking good from a far but far from good looking!...
The first time I heard that phrase used I was a kid, and someone used it to describe a girl we both knew. It wasn't a very nice thing to say, but kids are cruel everyone knows this. At the time it was down right hilarious too. I said I was a kid, right? This is what I did... laugh at people over stupid shit. These days though, as an adult, hilarious not so much, and more importantly it isn't really being applied in the same manner either. These days those very words can best be used to describe my so-called life, and maybe yours too. From a far, to the untrained eye everything looks pretty damn good. But on closer inspection, you start to see all the cracks and flaws and things don't look so attractive anymore.
I do have a good life, just not as good for me as it seems to you. It's one thing for people who aren't in the know who don't have to live MY life to think things are all good. It's another for me to see that reflection and start to believe it myself. It's easy to get complacent, to lie to yourself and say that everything is all good. It's easier than facing our flaw, our faults, our fears and insecurities, the things that are supposed to make us stronger and help us grow. But no matter how good your life may be, how comfortable things seem and how easy we find it to compromise and SETTLE for the way things are, it never takes much for the whole thing to start to fall apart. And that's what is happening with me these days.
When you start to lie to yourself, to start believing that you're happy living the life that everyone else believes is perfect for you though it isn't really you, there are sacrifices that inevitably are made. A huge part of that sacrifice is your own identity and the things that you love the most about being you. For me one of those things is writing. I've always enjoyed reading and writing and there was a time I was really good at it. People think it's funny that I'm an engineer (maybe I should say was but we'll come back to that) because most engineers have all the technical but no social or communication skills. I have all three. That's not a brag, it's a fact! But in my search for happiness, I managed to give up the things that have always made me happy. I realized this a while ago, but I was too chicken to mess with the life I had carved out for myself now and damn it, I worked hard for it and I was going to make it work.
I started at this blog a long time ago but as I've said before never really posted anything. Back then I knew I was missing something, and I wanted so much to write again because that always worked for me. I didn't know if I could write as well as I used to but it didn't matter. I know I didn't nurture my talent the way I should have and I will never be as good now as I probably could have truly been. But this wasn't about that. It was about reconnecting with something that has always defined me. Yet I let my life and my fears of losing certain comforts get in the way. For one thing I was worried about losing my job. I worked for an international company known world wide and they are very protective of their image. I'm not so protective of my own, I am who I am. But I knew that some of the things I may say might offend some and reflect badly on them possibly costing my job. I knew that inevitably while I would never discuss my work or what I do I would talk about some of the morons I worked with. I fucking worked with engineers so how could I not? I would talk about how nasty some of these people are, how they feel that as long as they don't touch the lever to flush when they use the restroom it's okay to walk out without washing their hands, and you're rude when you refuse to shake their hands in a meeting later on. I would talk about that and so much more... still may, who knows.
When you're single or your only concern is for yourself, it's a little easier to recognize that you're simply making excuses and letting your fears take control of you. It's not any easier to change though because you're too busy trying to build the life everyone expects you to have. When you have a family to take care of things get even more complicated. Now you have to consider how your actions will affect them. So if you're going to grab the bull by the horns you need a plan that doesn't involve getting gored in the ass. I was too lazy and too afraid to make a plan and in the end I'm exactly where I was afraid I would be. The difference is I wasted a lot of time not pursuing real happiness. A few weeks ago I lost that job due to cutbacks. So now I find myself searching for something else to do, feeling as if I had driven aimlessly for so long never choosing an exit to take and decide on the direction I wanted my life to go in and now I finally ran out of road. Now I'm off in the ditch somewhere. I can either sit in the car and wait to be rescued, or I can get out and start walking in the direction I feel I need to be going, where I should have been going all along. Of course the journey would be a lot easier and more comfortable to drive, but right now I have to walk. I have to stand on my own two feet and make the effort on blind faith that real happiness isn't completely out of reach after so long. It feels like starting over which is always a scary thing, but I've needed this for a long time, and maybe if I had started it when I first realized I wouldn't have so much farther to go to get where I need to be.
So if you see me in the distance walking along, I'm sure at first glance things will look good. But as I get closer and things get clearer, the truth will become more evident. And the truth is, it may not look pretty but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time about where I'm going and the journey I'm now on.
-Konscious Vybz
The first time I heard that phrase used I was a kid, and someone used it to describe a girl we both knew. It wasn't a very nice thing to say, but kids are cruel everyone knows this. At the time it was down right hilarious too. I said I was a kid, right? This is what I did... laugh at people over stupid shit. These days though, as an adult, hilarious not so much, and more importantly it isn't really being applied in the same manner either. These days those very words can best be used to describe my so-called life, and maybe yours too. From a far, to the untrained eye everything looks pretty damn good. But on closer inspection, you start to see all the cracks and flaws and things don't look so attractive anymore.
I do have a good life, just not as good for me as it seems to you. It's one thing for people who aren't in the know who don't have to live MY life to think things are all good. It's another for me to see that reflection and start to believe it myself. It's easy to get complacent, to lie to yourself and say that everything is all good. It's easier than facing our flaw, our faults, our fears and insecurities, the things that are supposed to make us stronger and help us grow. But no matter how good your life may be, how comfortable things seem and how easy we find it to compromise and SETTLE for the way things are, it never takes much for the whole thing to start to fall apart. And that's what is happening with me these days.
When you start to lie to yourself, to start believing that you're happy living the life that everyone else believes is perfect for you though it isn't really you, there are sacrifices that inevitably are made. A huge part of that sacrifice is your own identity and the things that you love the most about being you. For me one of those things is writing. I've always enjoyed reading and writing and there was a time I was really good at it. People think it's funny that I'm an engineer (maybe I should say was but we'll come back to that) because most engineers have all the technical but no social or communication skills. I have all three. That's not a brag, it's a fact! But in my search for happiness, I managed to give up the things that have always made me happy. I realized this a while ago, but I was too chicken to mess with the life I had carved out for myself now and damn it, I worked hard for it and I was going to make it work.
I started at this blog a long time ago but as I've said before never really posted anything. Back then I knew I was missing something, and I wanted so much to write again because that always worked for me. I didn't know if I could write as well as I used to but it didn't matter. I know I didn't nurture my talent the way I should have and I will never be as good now as I probably could have truly been. But this wasn't about that. It was about reconnecting with something that has always defined me. Yet I let my life and my fears of losing certain comforts get in the way. For one thing I was worried about losing my job. I worked for an international company known world wide and they are very protective of their image. I'm not so protective of my own, I am who I am. But I knew that some of the things I may say might offend some and reflect badly on them possibly costing my job. I knew that inevitably while I would never discuss my work or what I do I would talk about some of the morons I worked with. I fucking worked with engineers so how could I not? I would talk about how nasty some of these people are, how they feel that as long as they don't touch the lever to flush when they use the restroom it's okay to walk out without washing their hands, and you're rude when you refuse to shake their hands in a meeting later on. I would talk about that and so much more... still may, who knows.
When you're single or your only concern is for yourself, it's a little easier to recognize that you're simply making excuses and letting your fears take control of you. It's not any easier to change though because you're too busy trying to build the life everyone expects you to have. When you have a family to take care of things get even more complicated. Now you have to consider how your actions will affect them. So if you're going to grab the bull by the horns you need a plan that doesn't involve getting gored in the ass. I was too lazy and too afraid to make a plan and in the end I'm exactly where I was afraid I would be. The difference is I wasted a lot of time not pursuing real happiness. A few weeks ago I lost that job due to cutbacks. So now I find myself searching for something else to do, feeling as if I had driven aimlessly for so long never choosing an exit to take and decide on the direction I wanted my life to go in and now I finally ran out of road. Now I'm off in the ditch somewhere. I can either sit in the car and wait to be rescued, or I can get out and start walking in the direction I feel I need to be going, where I should have been going all along. Of course the journey would be a lot easier and more comfortable to drive, but right now I have to walk. I have to stand on my own two feet and make the effort on blind faith that real happiness isn't completely out of reach after so long. It feels like starting over which is always a scary thing, but I've needed this for a long time, and maybe if I had started it when I first realized I wouldn't have so much farther to go to get where I need to be.
So if you see me in the distance walking along, I'm sure at first glance things will look good. But as I get closer and things get clearer, the truth will become more evident. And the truth is, it may not look pretty but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time about where I'm going and the journey I'm now on.
-Konscious Vybz
