About five minutes after waking that Sunday morning, I knew I wasn’t going to have a good day, in fact I felt the entire week was going to be crap if karma had anything to say about it. That’s because I found myself standing over the bodies of two dead squirrels in the back yard. Despite my best intentions they were in fact dead and it was all my fault.
One of the things I love most about where we live is the ample space between neighbors. You don’t have to worry about them being so close they can sit in their living room and watch your TV. But a couple years ago we opted to have a privacy fence installed just the same. It turns out that privacy would have an unexpected consequence: squirrels in the attic.
If you’ve ever lived in a lower level apartment with people trampling on the roof above you, it’s a little like that except it sounds like they’re scratching tile with claws so it’s a hell of a lot more annoying. It was purely by chance that I found out they were squirrels up there and not mice as I first suspected. I came home from work one day and happened to park outside in the driveway as I was heading back out shortly. As I sat gathering my stuff, I noticed a squirrel running across the top of the fence, hop onto the roof (not a far jump from there now), and enter the attic through a hole I would later find they burrowed into the eaves. What’s worse, when I saw that little bastard I got out of the car and stood watching in disbelief, and I swear he paused and looked at me before darting in. I felt as if he had just given me the middle finger, if squirrels had fingers.
Now the problem was identified, time for a solution and my first instinct was to call a professional. Turns out most pest control services don’t handle this kind of job. But they must get asked about this a lot because they quickly recommended someone to call. Didn’t care who did it I just wanted it done. From what I read online they aren’t just noisy and annoying they can do a lot of damage while they’re nesting up there, and I didn’t want to wait to come home one day and find them chilling on the sofa eating my food and watching my TV.
I called a local company and I’ve never had hemorrhoids but I think I came close after talking with them, because my ass hurt thinking how they tried to bend me over and stick it to me without even a hint of lubrication. As if it’s my fault those squirrels chose my attic. It wasn’t so much that it was going to be expensive. I expected as much! What bothered me was how uncertain their pricing schedule seemed, how open it was for interpretation, and how likely it would be for them to easily tack on additional costs as they go. For instance, for the first two weeks they planned to set a trap. disappear and have me monitor it to let them know if it caught anything. This first two weeks was an altogether separate charge and for what they were charging they should be driving out to check the trap themselves daily I think, but instead I would have homework. This isn’t freakin’ college man! After those two weeks they get to discuss how much more I have to spend if they need to set the trap for longer, and after that more discussion about what to do next and how much that costs, and blah blah blah! I’m not an expert which is why I called them, but that doesn’t sound like a good way to negotiate any sort of business transaction. I’m not sure what I was expecting exactly. Maybe for them to come out and check to at least see if I had a squirrel problem as I suspected? You know, verify that I have what I say I have before they set traps. Maybe look at the damage they’ve done so far, use their expertise to see if there are other areas where they are getting into the attic? Give me an idea of how serious they think the problem might be, what sort of damage they may have already caused? Or at least let me know if I should be worried about one squirrel or a whole scurry of them. I only knew that I wanted this handled and if I had to call them it should be because something bad happened. More importantly I wanted something concrete and in writing (have to CYA) and they weren’t willing to come out, take a look at what my problem was and at least try to do that, so I wasn’t willing to do business with them.
So as it turns out I had to do homework after all, and found a company called Havahart (as in have a heart?) that makes traps and cages for just such occasions, probably the same ones used by the pros. I was then able to get a medium sized trap (for larger animals) and a brand new ladder at the local Home Depot, for less than their two week hand job. Great, but I’m not a pro so the trap sat in the garage for quite some time, mainly because I was skittish about going up on that roof to set it up. I wasn’t afraid to get up on the roof, I was only afraid of falling off. I live in the middle of nowhere, and chances are if I fall none of my not-so-close neighbors would hear the thud when my ass hits pavement, so I could be lying there for a really long time in tons of pain. With my luck my fat ass would probably land on my phone smashing it so I couldn’t even call 911. And since I had also noticed a wasp’s nest form right under the eaves where I wanted to set my trap I knew this was a very likely scenario after all.
Then a few weeks ago I finally decided I’d had enough. I got up on the roof to set the trap and baited it with fresh apples covered in peanut butter. The good organic kind too since that’s all I buy these days. Damn that bugged me, because if they’re anything like humans they’d probably prefer the cheap stuff that’s loaded with sugar, like Jif. If this worked I’d feel a lot better and it would have been worth it though.
About two days go by with no results. To make matters worse, I was outside in the driveway looking up at the trap on the roof and I saw the squirrel sitting on the roof close to the trap. It could have been just my imagination, but he or she had a look of “I’m not stupid, I’m not getting in there!”, and after a minute or so he headed into the attic completely ignoring the trap. Now I’m really discouraged! But, I might as well ride this thing out. Then the very next morning, success! The trap door was closed and there he was. I did a happy dance as if I had won something. Now I trapped him, what next? I hadn’t really thought that far before now. I called the local animal control, got voicemail and left a message. A couple hours later I got a call back.
“What do you guys recommend at the best way to handle a trapped squirrel?” I asked.
“You’ve got him trapped already?” asked the gentleman on the other end.
“Yes, he’s just sitting in the cage outside now.”
“You can just bring it to us and we will take care of it for you. Do you know where we’re located?” Then he proceeded to explain how to get to their offices in town. Awesome, but they’re all the way in town. I wasn’t planning on going into town until tomorrow, so I will wait until then. He had plenty of food left and the weather would be really nice the next couple days so he should be fine.
The next morning was a Sunday and I was anxious to get this over with. I went to check on the trap, it was teetering on the edge of the roof from the squirrel banging it around trying to escape. A bit longer it might have fallen to the ground and he could’ve escaped. I better get this guy out of here before it’s too late. I looked up animal control again… closed on Sundays… shit! Then I remembered a spot on the way to town that’s just open fields and a pond, where people go for walks and ride their bikes, and squirrels and other animals are roaming freely, far enough into town that I don’t think he would ever find his way back here. So I headed into town, squirrel in trap in trunk. When I got there, I parked and got the trap out of the car, released the door then stepped back. Off he went to checkout his new crib. I had done a good deed and this felt good.
The noises in the attic weren’t all gone, which means there was more work to be done. Wednesday of that week I was outside in the front yard with my son when we noticed a squirrel run by and stop at the front door. My son is too young to know better and he gives chase for a closer look while I follow to make sure he doesn’t get too close. Squirrel takes off toward the side of the house. At first my son follows but then he hears the next door neighbor’s dog barking and his attention is shifted. While he’s distracted by the dog, I stop just behind him and turn around to see where the squirrel might have run off to, if maybe there’s another point of entry to the attic that I’m not aware of.
Well he hadn’t run off in fact, he was sitting staring at me. I wasn’t moving toward him or anything but apparently he didn’t like the way I was looking at him, or maybe I figured I was the one who trapped his pal not long ago. Either way, that squirrel went gangsta and charged at me! No joke! First I thought, “This isn’t really happening right? Wait, squirrels attack? Really?” Well this one did and that’s all I knew. Instincts took over and as soon as he reached near my leg I kicked him back, just hard enough to turn him away rather than to harm. He then took off into the back yard. I started to laugh at first but then I was angry when I realized he could have charged at my son. NOW THINGS GOT SERIOUS!
Later that night I told a friend about what happened, and they suggested I get a bb gun at Walmart. It would have been easy to do that especially in anger but that just didn’t seem right. Besides, a bb gun with a kid running around is probably not a smart move. No, I would just have to keep setting the trap. I was NOT looking forward to going back on that damn roof! Ironically I’d get my wish on that.
The next morning, now Thursday, I’m home alone sitting in the living room and I hear this banging outside on my window. “WTF is that!?!” I thought. There has been a serious increase in home invasions lately (another topic for discussion later) so I didn’t know what to expect but I decided to see for myself. And in the backyard I saw two squirrels, one on the ground below the window and another climbing down from the roof using the screen on my window for traction. I was able to scare them off, and now I had a new plan on where to set the trap. I’d set it right there by that very same window.
At least it wasn’t a robber, right?
I got a couple apples, cut them up and smothered them in peanut butter. I set a couple pieces outside on the ground then put two big halves inside the cage itself. Now it’s up to fate.
I checked the trap later that evening and no luck. Food looked untouched. By Friday afternoon though, success. I got real lucky too as they both got trapped in the cage at once. Guess they enjoyed the apples with peanut butter and maybe were racing to see who could get the next piece first. I was headed into town later but I wouldn’t be able to take them then because of previous plans. So I decided to do it the next day instead. The weather was still good and there was still plenty of food left in the cage so they would be fine until then.
Bright and early Saturday morning I checked on my inmates and they were doing just fine. Still had more than half the food left. Before long though the day got real crazy real fast, and as the day wore on I started feeling ill and very tired. Bottom line I forgot about them and went to bed real early that evening which, if you know me almost never happens. When I finally woke up it was around 5 a.m. Sunday morning now and the sun was barely but they were the first thing on my mind. It had been very cold that night too. So I ran out to the backyard to check on them but sadly I was too late. The food was now all gone and so were they, laying there motionless. At that instant I felt a bit empty. If I had remembered the night before I could have put them in the garage and put more food in the cage to hold them over. Man, this was a really shitty way to go, and a really shitty way to start Thanksgiving week.
Remember that friend who suggested the bb gun? I called to tell them what was new with my uninvited guests. I know they’re just squirrels but the whole point of trapping them was to get rid of them in a safe and humane way. After hearing the story, they laughed out loud, no so much at the fact that the squirrels were dead, but at me for feeling sorry for them.
“Murderer!” they kept saying. “Squirrel murderer!” in between bouts of laughter. “What are you feeling bad about? At least you know they ain’t coming back.” More laughter. “Haven’t you ever run over a squirrel or some other animal before?”
”That’s way different!” I said. “They shouldn’t be in the middle of the road, and if you’re small enough to fit under my tire and stupid enough to be in it’s way, that’s not my fault.” That’s not cruel people, that’s practical and sensible. Many of the roads here are two lane highways with no shoulder and you are likely to come across any number of larger animals that would do serious damage if you ran into them. So I’m not running into a ditch risking serious injury or even death to avoid running over a squirrel, possum, rabbit, raccoon, or anything else small enough to not do some damage and that’s not likely a household pet. To me, that’s a blessing in disguise. “Besides” I continued “that’s a quick death”.
”You committed squirrel slaughter!” came the next accusation, followed of course by… you guessed it, more and more impassioned laughter!
I have to admit that by now, I was laughing too. I really didn’t mean to harm those little guys. I can’t be certain just yet that my squirrel problem is now solved so I will keep setting traps for another couple weeks after which, if I haven’t caught any others I can see about doing some repairs. I can’t make any repairs until I’m absolutely sure, because they will find a way out and most likely it will be through my ceiling right into the house. At least it’s winter. The only thing that sucks more about being in the attic is being up there in the summer. In the meantime, I’m holding on to that cage and hoping karma doesn’t bite me in the ass on this one.
- Konscious Vybz
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. And the more Apple products she got the more flawlessly they worked together and the happier my life got. Sweet! 
. Like a lot of the memories hidden around the house now, I simply tucked those items away in a corner of my home and my mind.